Hello to you! What a great question. Congratulations on heading down that poly road. I hope you find it as stimulating and exciting and fulfilling overall as we have found it in our Triad and in our growing poly family.
There are always nervous moments and times of difficulties, in even the best of relationships. So don’t think that some bumps in the road are cause for tearing the castle down.
I think your “little mode” issue is probably quite telling and quite natural as well. A Little is the most vulnerable part of you, that part that you share with your Daddy, sometimes ONLY with your Daddy. It takes the greatest amount of trust a person can ever have to share a Little with anyone. So the insecurity and jealousy of a new person will cause you to protect your “little side.” And thus… whoosh, off she goes into hiding. She’s there, probably peeking out and watching. But it’ll take some comfort and peace for her to come out, shyly at first.
Your Daddy no doubt is experiencing NRE and probably isn’t spending as much time with you. That’s to be expected. But that shouldn’t mean you should be neglected, either. There must be balance in any poly relationship. Our mantra is openness, honesty, and transparency. When Lo’s Hubs experienced NRE with his GF, at certain times Lo had to say, “um, no tonight, I want you to stay home.” And that’s okay. 90% (95%? 99%? depends on who you ask) of the time he was off with his new GF.
First, be sure you can be honest and say to your Daddy, I’d like some time here. Be respectful of him and his time, but also if you need time, ask for it. Don’t push your needs aside. Your needs are as valuable as anyone else’s.
Second, read The Ethical Slut and learn everything you can about compersion. Jealous is not a primary instinct for me, but it’s strong in a lot of people. But when you truly see your partner happy and feel happiness for him or her, wow.. what a great feeling! That’s compersion!
Finally - do some self-care with your Little. Have a tea party while watching Disney movies (or whichever are your most favorite little movies). Play dress up, or dress little and do your hair in pigtails. Take some naughty photos in little garb for your Daddy. Tell him you are thinking about him. But do these little activities for YOU. Even though you are a little, you are still and adult and putting on your big girl panties and taking charge of your little inside of you is YOUR responsibility. What do you like to do in Little mode, that you can do by yourself? Self-care is so important. My Lolita writes about it often. I get busy at work, we have a squabble (yes, it happens!), and she immediately sets into her self-care routine, playing with her hair, dressing in her little clothes, eating candy, putting bows in her hair, watching Disney shows. I get so proud of her to know that she is so self-knowledgable. That really is a great way for anyone to be and get through this world.
You will probably have times when the insecurities and jealousy come back. It’s rare that we process those things and they go away for good. So be on guard for them and when you notice the signs, head into self-care mode.
When your Daddy is ready for you, your little will be well-cared for and ready to come out for Daddy again. Protect your little, but don’t shelter her from the world. Goodness! just like plants need water to grow, give your little the nurturing she needs to be happy and healthy.
I hope this helps! Poly is a different road (not better, not worse) than the hetero-monogamous one that most of us were raised under. It has its share of challenges. But it’s also one that can open up worlds of love for those who choose to pursue it.
Let me know how things go. Write me anytime at all.
- Daddy Vinnie